【Married Women’s Sex Party】

Vin Scully is Married Women’s Sex Partyfinally retiring after 67 years.

He called his first Dodgers game back in 1950 -- when the team was still in Brooklyn. On Sunday, his warm, toasty voice will greet fans one last time from Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles.

My first sports memory ever was of that voice. I was 6 years old and the Dodgers had made it to the World Series. I didn't care much about baseball, but my family did, and they were glued to the television as Kirk Gibson stood at the plate in the bottom of the ninth, full count, with one man on base.

Both his legs injured, Gibson hit one of the most dramatic home runs in baseball history to win the game. The reason I remember it so well is that I had never seen adults react to anything with so much glee -- there were my dad and uncles, jumping and screaming like they had just won the lottery.

Scully, who has witnessed everyone from Jackie Robinson to Sandy Koufax play in Dodger blue, delivered a line fitting for such an epic moment:

"In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened!"

The Dodgers, sadly, haven't won a World Series since. And so, in the absence of championship excitement, Scully has done what all great baseball announcers must learn to do -- tell folksy stories to kill time.

1. Vin Scully debunks the rumor that redheads are going extinct

Rest easy, redheads. That rumor Vin Scully heard about red hair going extinct by 2060? Apparently it's not true.

2. Vin Scully educates people about the history of pirates

However, if you see a pirate ship with a red flag up, you might want to run. Fun fact: Pirates thought earrings would help them see better

"I just pass this stuff along free, no charge," Scully says.

3. Vin Scully remembers the time he got Babe Ruth's autograph

Spoiler: He lost it.

4. Vin Scully tells the tale of how Jonny Gomes survived a wolf attack

Wolves are not for petting, Scully reminds us. If one does attack you, try to chill like Jonny Gomes, and it might just go away.

5. Vin Scully tells an epic history of beards

This beautiful piece of storytelling extends back to the "dawn of humanity" -- when beards were grown to attract women and scare away adversaries and wild animals -- and includes a story about Alexander the Great, who shaved because he didn't want to hide his beautiful face with hair.

6. Vin Scully recounts the miraculous story of Madison Bumgarner and his wife pulling a live rabbit from a snake

This story is pretty crazy. It starts with the All-Star pitcher attacking a snake with an ax and ends with the Bumgarners raising a baby rabbit and releasing it into the wild.

7. Vin Scully, true patriot, gives an exhaustive history of the American flag

You'll never look up at the stars and stripes the same way again.

Thank you for entertaining us for 67 years, Vin. You are a national treasure.

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